Not Him
by Kuruk
Summary: Because of my mistakes I'm forced to live this life where I'm no longer myself... To live a lie with him, even though he's doing the same I am too. It's a mutual understanding, to hide from the ones we love but can never have... not anymore.


_Here's another one! My God I'm on a role... xD_

_This one's about Popuri and the marriage she gets into to survive a life without the love of her life... Pretty sad, too._

_Disclaimer: Don't own Harvest Moon._

_Hope you enjoy!_

* * *

_**Not Him**_

The day I married Jack was the day I sold my heart away.

I knew that Jack too had used me as a fall back, that he would never love me like he loved her, that he would always look at Karen with eyes that were supposed to be meant for me and that all we shared was a strange friendship that doubled as a marriage.

But I too, used Jack as a placeholder for Kai.

Marriage always scared me. I thought that it was something people my mom's age did when they loved someone and wanted to make kids. But suddenly, when I was in my early twenties everyone started doing it; Mary married Gray and Tim married Eli and suddenly I was faced with the realization that I couldn't run around and flirt with all the guys and town because they were getting _married_.

My older brother Rick was so different than me, though. He knew what he wanted and he went out and got it; to him, marriage wasn't scary. It was the ultimate expression of love; a partnership.

Sometimes when I look at Rick's marriage and I remember the vows I took that day at Church, holding Jack's hands in my own and hoping my makeup covered the puffiness of my face, I think that maybe I'll be punished for lying... like the little girl in me still believes that a monster will jump out from under my bed and take me away for lying.

But so far the only monster that's been killing me is me.

I guess it's harder for Jack; everyday he sees her in the arms of my brother and he has to wonder why it isn't him. Kai doesn't come around Mineral Town anymore; not since I screamed at him and told him I didn't need him, that he could just leave for all I cared.

He did... and I haven't ever seen him again.

Still, I feel that constant pain through Jack. We hardly talk; about them, anyway. The fact he married me is worse for him since sometimes he absolutely needs to see Rick and by extension, Karen, which always brings him back home to me in a quiet mood as I serve him his dinner and let myself too, lapse into a fantasy where Kai's the one sitting across from me.

I remember one Winter night that Jack came back inside, looking like he's just been throttled.

"Hello, dear," I had said, thinking how ridiculous those words sounded coming from me, "Are you okay? I was just thinking of going out after you..."

Jack sat down at the table, jaw set rigidly, as if he were trying to hold back tears. "Our nephew's name is Rodney... after his grandfather."

My mouth formed a small 'o' in realization. I had forgotten that Karen and Rick's baby had been due that day and even though that I was probably being a bad sister by forgetting to stop by, I couldn't bring myself to care.

I swallowed the lump in my throat. "Do you want to talk about it?" I asked, hoping he'd say no and spare me the duty of playing his wife.

He shook his head and I nodded in relief. "You should go see them... Rick and... _she_ were asking for you..."

'She' meant one thing in this house, just like 'he' did. They meant the ones we couldn't say the name of because it hurt too much...

I'd nodded and gone off to see my new nephew, all the while wishing that I hadn't been here and instead had been off in some exotic country where it was warm instead of cold... just as I knew Jack was wishing he were the father of little Rodney.

Months passed in this strange tandem and when I looked at myself in the mirror I hardly recognized myself anymore... I looked older; like my mom... as if the youthfulness and energy I used to feel were sapped out of me and all that was left was this woman, not girl; woman, that looked like my mom so much...

And it scared me.

Because I could no longer be a child. I was married so going around flirting with the guys was out of the question. Stu and May were in their teenage years already and they hardly had time to stop making out and play with anyone, let alone me. Little Rodney was too young to play with and Karen made a fierce mother, not allowing anyone close to her baby...

I felt alone in town. The only one who could possibly understand me was Jack; but our friendship had been tainted by this false marriage. We could hardly bear to be around each other; we acted out this lie often enough in public and Jack couldn't bear to see me be the child I so desperately wanted to be.

So my days were filled with thoughts of him as I played the part of the happy housewife and the part of the old, bubbly Popuri, happier now than ever that she had married the 'man of her dreams'.

They'd never knew that Jack would never be him.

Summers were always hard for me.

They represented my childhood and the days that I was carefree and truly happy. Kai was with me then, and I had fallen in love with him during the summer...

One summer day I was out doing some errands and going back home, passing through Rose Square when I saw a woman I had never expected to see again in my life. It was Joanna, May's mother that had left so many years ago.

She was talking to Manna, Ana and Sasha, and I tried to pass by quickly so I wouldn't be caught up in their conversation when I heard Joanna speak. "Kai is such a good man. I met him in the city and we started dating right after. He brought me back because he said this was the best place to raise a family!"

I dropped my groceries and before I knew it all the ladies' eyes were turned to me. I wanted to run and yet another part of me just wanted to see if it was true; if Kai was back... so that I could hold him and laugh with him and just be _me _with him again.

Then I saw him... coming from the Beach... and his eyes weren't looking at me; they looked past me and at Joanna, at the woman who held his heart now...

And then it hit me. I was _married_, taken. Bound to a man. And even if I wasn't, Kai was with _her,_ and what could I ever do to beat her? I had been a childhood summer fling, nothing more. And Joanna was a woman whereas I had always been a child. It was over.

And yet I was crying.

I did run before Kai could see me, ran all the way home and I closed myself in and began to cry in earnest, hating myself for everything I'd done to myself... all this was my fault. I'd put this all on myself; I'd chased Kai away and I'd make myself unattainable by binding myself to Jack...

I'd bounded myself to unhappiness and agony.

Just then the door opened and my husband walked in. He regarded me calmly and nodded, as if he understood everything. "I heard," Jack said simply as he sat down across from me.

I wiped the tears out of my eyes and stood up. "Is meatloaf okay for dinner, dear?" I got out in a choked up voice.

Jack nodded and I made my way to the kitchen and began to prepare to live my lie again when Jack's voice cut into my solitude. "Will it always be Kai?" he asked suddenly and lowly, almost as if were actually regretting the fact that things were like this.

I didn't answer him for a few moments. I just cleaned the pot I'd be using. After he kept staring at me imploringly for a few minutes, I sighed and allowed one last tear to run down my cheek. "Will it always be Karen?" I asked in turn.

Jack seemed to flinch at the mention of her name and grow pale. I resumed my cleaning as he looked down into his lap. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity he looked up again and answered me. "It always has been," he said, voice sounding broken.

"And it always will be," I added sadly, meeting my husband's eyes and truly looking into then for the first time since we did in that Church so long ago.

We shared a moment there, one of understanding. The same moment had passed between us that night, on the Beach, when I had watched Kai leave me forever and Jack had just watched my brother ask my sister to marry him.

This understanding we shared, it was the basis of this twisted marriage. Because we both knew that we would each love another for the rest of our lives and yet we couldn't afford to be alone. That I, Popuri, the child could not live knowing that the boy I loved had become a man and had left me without holding Jack's hand...

And I'd never be that child again, but her memory made me need Jack, and the memory of the cocky farmer that had fallen for Karen made him need me...

We both knew this... and in the end, we both knew it would never be enough... but it was all we had...

And maybe that was worse than living alone...

The fact that I was living with a man that I tried to replace him with... it was horrible... and the fact that it was not him that I had was what tore me apart inside...

And I'm sure it did to him, too...

* * *

_A/N: Pretty sad, huh? Sigh... I seem to be on an angsty role lately. Better than being on a hiatus, though... xD_

_Hope you liked it and I also hope you review!_


End file.
